Monday, May 15, 2006

As Time Goes By

Fatherhood is something that grows on you. A lot of friends have asked me over the past months what does it feel like to be a father. I find myself somewhat dumbfounded, unable to clearly answer that question. "It" does not "feel" terribly different from before, I don't feel like a changed man. It is easy to be proud, especially with Timur who is such a wonderfully happy child, and I feel very proud. But pride is not a feeling, it is a liability closely related to arrogance and egotism.

But there is a change, it is not a change on the level of feeling, it is deeper. I have never encountered anything that is so powerful in putting things in perspective. Values, daily priorities used to be more problematic, more messy, more complex, and hence more stressful, because choices, reasons, motivations, urgencies all played before my mind's eye in a kaleidoscope of possibilities. Making the right choices could be an arduous process, not seldom leaving one with a sense confusion or regret, whenever a 'wrong' choice was made.

Timur made all this much simpler. He is an absolute existential priority, and it puts a whole bunch of things in proper perspective. What he needs from me is both simple and somewhat of a new experience. He just wants attention and the possibility of enjoying existence together. He is not interested in what I know, what I can do, how much money I make, if I can finish the project in time... He doesn't care about the petty annoyances of modern existence... Life is a very simple and spontaneous business, and every moment I spend with him is a powerful reminder of this fact. Because the truth is that Life is a simple and spontaneous business. Functioning in today's society may not be, but that is only a limited part of reality.
I am grateful that this is happening. I notice that I start making choices with less anxiety, I reject requests that are not important (allthough they may be urgent). Life looks a bit more like life now. Thank you for that feeling Timur.


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